Hope (simply_hope) wrote in internal_pains,

+ it started out good, i wish it stayed that way.
+ i was working when i first say the face of the devil.
+ and my bones started to rattle.
+ my stomach got so upset.
+ i felt i could throw up.
+ but instead i swallowed that pain and felt it slide over the lump in my throat.
+ it hurts so bad to see them.
+ it burns me up inside.
+ i get so nervous and shakey then i start to cry.
+ i feel so stupid when i let them get to me.

so, to keep myself from writing a big long post about it i just wrote in shortness how i felt. :)...but it didnt work so here it goes...
in other words, my mom's boyfriend came to wal mart today, and saw me.
and tried to talk to me. he has all the nerve in the world to do that.
that stupid fucking bastard, i hate him with everything in me.
it just sets off fuses deep inside me.
just when i think ive escaped them, because they dont know where i live or where i work, now they do. and im upset. i dont want them to know where i am.
sometimes i think about changing my name. but i like it, so i cant.
i just want them to leave me alone. and i know he has the 'right' to shop at wal mart, but now they are going to come in there whenever they want to harass me, or make me upset. and i cant deal with that. i just want to live my life without them interferring. is that so much to ask? i dont understand why they have to exist. i dont understand why i was brought into this world by that horrible women. why couldnt i been born to someone else? i just dont get it.
everytime he or she is near i get so shaky and nervous and i think ahead like "what if they does this or says this, or tries this..." just in case. i cant help but be on my toes. i cant let them walk by me or see me or speak to me or write to me without the surge of emotions coming back to me. ill never escape the things they've put me through. its been trauma-tizing to me. and i always cry, i cant help it. am i scared? i guess so, i act like it. but im not.
it was just on of the most horrifying moments of my life. cause of the rage in his eyes the day he swung at me, just because i didnt want to sit down. who gets that mad over something like that? not a sane person... who lets their child get almost beat up by a strange man [to the child] not a good mom...
its all so crazy. i remember every little detail like it happened yesterday.
i cant make it go away. and it tears me up inside. why did it have to happen?
i consider myself a good person, and i know i didnt deserve that.
so why do i keep questioning myself? with questions that can never be answered? i dont know. im just so hurt. so emotionally mixed up by this family thing. i hate it! i wish they would just disappear, i wish i could just disappear without them ever finding me. but that will never be.
i just miss my mom sometimes. and it hurts so bad deep down.
because we used to be friends, not so much daughter and mom.
but friends, and i know moms are supposed to be moms-not friends.
but friend or mom i lost both. BOTH.
why? cause shes retarted. she cant think for herself.
she used to be stronger than this.
and i think does she want me to help her?
does she not want to live like this anymore?
i dont know. i cant help her though.
i cant involve myself in these situations anymore.
i just want to be left alone. and she cant even do that for me.
i guess maybe its hard for her to except or even believe that, thats what i want. just to be left alone. i guess its hard to let ur only daughter, your oldest/first born child, nearest living to you child not want anything to do with you. so i can understand her trying to be in contact with me.
but doesnt she know shes made me miserable enough?
she has to know that shes hurt me enough, and that i dont want to hurt anymore.
wouldnt you leave me be? i would.
please just leave me alone.
please. thats all im asking for.
pretend im dead.
pretend i moved far far away.
pretend im not yours.
i dont care what you do.
as long as you dont think, see, talk, attempt to be near me in anyway.
just go away. just disappear.
make this pain inside me flee.
only with time will i heal.
only with time will these scars hem themselves.
only with time without you will i be okay.
until then im a shakey, nervous, confused, miserable wreck.
cant you help me, by understanding?

im sorry i ranted.
it just hurts so bad inside.
i feel like ive been stabbed.

good night.
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